I want to talk about something that not a lot of people talk about. It’s alluded to a lot of times, even spoken quickly, and then bustled along to another topic- loneliness. You know that stomach dropping, lost, helpless feeling that comes over us. When we feel suddenly sad and we aren’t exactly sure why. I feel like that on the road a lot. I pull into a town or see something beautiful and I am sad that I’m not sharing it with someone. When I’m confused or lost I don’t have anyone to knock ideas off of. I began this trip because I didn’t want to wait for anyone. I am a strong independent woman damnit! So why don’t I feel like it a lot of the time.
We expect people that are out there posting these beautiful images and living the dream are stoked 100% of the time. I feel like you always hear this- instagram is a facade, people aren’t this happy all the time, a photograph doesn’t show the whole picture. But I never really believed it, I figured that if I was out here on the road that it would be rough sure, but it would even itself out. And it hasn’t yet.
Now I don’t want it to seem that I’m unhappy. Generally, I’m not. I am grateful to be doing what I’m doing (NOTE the bustle to a lighter note here. Why do we do that? We can’t just admit to being sad in our society, we immediately have to follow it up with ‘it’s not that bad really.’ It’s a natural emotion to be sad, to question, to feel fucking lost. The more we are scared to admit these natural human emotions the more shameful it is. The more we push being vulnerable under the rug, the greater the dust of our fears gather.) I remember saying to myself even if the road is beyond difficult, even if every day is a struggle, at least I’ll be feeling. At least I won’t be gliding through my life without being alive.
But I feel that it would be a disservice to not call attention to the difficulties, the shit, the things that don’t make the album. It’s the bad days that get you from one happy shot to the next. It’s those days that make the backdrop to the photo, the days that make the decisions, the days that we get to really figure out where we stand.
At the end of the day, I wouldn’t change it. Ok, maybe somedays I would, but overall this complicated, wonderful van life is mine. I am in control of my life, and that makes me feel strong. Even if I don’t always feel that way.